No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
