so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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