If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
