Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
