meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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