I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
