my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
