what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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