dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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