i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
being pregnant is like rehab
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
