True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i out mim tonsoeep
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