I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
