I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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