you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
