she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
