I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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