Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
