I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
