I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
