I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
