keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
