I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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