I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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