So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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