Screwed.edu
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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