You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
