Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
