i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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