Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
