im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
