i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
