This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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