as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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