"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
