He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
