cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I CAN MOONWALK!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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