pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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