I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
not ubering you a puppy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
