there's paper in my vomit.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
