GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize