i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
