I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
