just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
