Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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