youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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