If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
