idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
