i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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