He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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