remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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