Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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