remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
