so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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