im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
