i just made my gag reflex go away.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
