i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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