don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
