And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
