everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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