The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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