Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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