also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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